Updates

Well, I decided to use today's space to do a bit of an update on my folks. People are so kind to check in about them and their well-being, so I thought this might be a good way to do it every once in a while.

Right before Christmas we were told that Mom probably had 4-6 weeks left. She had a staph infection that had gone septic and the iv antibiotics they gave her to heal the staph infection were shutting her kidneys down. Then over the last few weeks we started getting better reports on her bloodwork, her kidney function, etc. I asked for a new assessment and prognosis of her and it would seem that somehow, as of this moment, she seems to be free of the staph infection and her kidneys are functioning at near normal. They say that she's currently out of the woods. Of course, this is a mixed blessing - I love my mom and I don't ever want to lose her. But, the dieseases of Alzheimer's and Dementia are so cruel, I don't want to see her have to live like she's been living, in pain and anxious and frightened, for years and years. I finally decided that I just had to let God handle it, be grateful for the time I have with her and do the best I can to reconcile myself to what may be coming. The positive side is that they have been changing and tweaking her medicine again and she seems much calmer and more relaxed. I have been told that during the day she is talking to the people who work there, smiling, affectionate and cooperative, things I never thought she could be. By the time we get there in the evenings, she's so tired and her meds have caught up with her, so she doesn't have much to say and she does a lot of sleeping. She doesn't know me anymore, which in some ways is hard, but she seems to be bonding to the people who are there caring for her every day and I have been told that she has been loving to them, which makes me feel great. I want her to feel a connection with someone, to feel safe with them and to have people around her that she feels affection for.

My dad is having some health issues of his own and I spent Saturday in the ER with him. They couldn't find anything but did say that his symptoms did show that something was going on, so he's back to his regular doctor (who I cannot stand) today. We'll see what they tell us and how they direct him to proceed. If you can keep him in your prayers as well, I'd certainly appreciate it.

It's so incredibly hard to watch as your parents age and become frail. Growing up, our parents are Superman and Wonder Woman - there's nothing they can't do. It's so strange to get to the point when you realize that they're just human beings, just like you. I have no patience for people who won't help their parents (and at the nursing home, I see plenty of them). My parents gave me everything they had in an emotional, financial, physical, spiritual sense every day of my life and would continue to do so if they would be allowed to. No, we didn't always get along and there are issues I regret never discussing with my mother while I had the chance (hear me now - if you have unresolved issues with your parents, get them out in the open while everyone is well and still here and you're not in crisis mode. This opportunity will never present itself again). But even while I thought that she didn't always understand me and didn't always like me, I ALWAYS knew that she loved me and I know that she loves me still, even though my face is not one she recognizes as her daughter anymore. I am exhausted after the past two years but it's worth it not to have an ounce of regret whenI lay my head on my pillow at night when it comes to my parents. Get your ducks in a row while you can, friends.

On Second Thought.....

I quit watching "ER" a number of years ago. I thought it was too depressing and I just couldn't take it. The storylines seemed to be so contrived (how many times can a supposed "average" emergency room be blown up, hit by a helecopter, be taken hostage....?).

But here lately, I've been giving it a second thought. After all, it's ending this season, I hear the writing is excellent and far be it from me not to give something a second chance. There was another reason I was considering watching it again, but I can't exactly remember what it was.....

Barbie Land

So, I work in a fashion retail environment in a once-large, now smallish company. I'm an executive assistant and I really like the people I directly support and work for. They're a more arty kind of group and there are several folks who just let their freak flags fly, which I totally appreciate. My boss is awesome. Unfortunately, these folks make up about 1% of the total employees here. The other 99% are fairly young, fairly affluent and they worship at the altar of the gods of fashion and style. There is an element of privilege and snobbery in the air at all times.

Suffice it to say, I am not the most fashion-forward person in the world. I see things I like and appreciate and would wear if I was inhabiting a different body and a different salary bracket, but the reality is that neither of those things are true. And every day is like being back in high school, where you would walk the hallway and be "evaluated" by the Mean Girls who now have access to their husband's credit cards and who haven't eaten a carb since they were 14. Most days I can let it roll off my shoulders, but some days, like today, it brings home how difficult it is to be the ugly duckling in a sea of swans, which is a feeling I thought I would get to leave behind when I left school.

I believe myself to be a good person. I care about people, I try and be supportive and loving, positive and dependable. I am tender hearted and I would give you the unfashionable shirt off my ample back if you needed it (though these women would likely reject it, no matter what their level of need was). I think I'm intelligent and I like to learn about people, places and things. I try and be respectful and well spoken. I am kind to people even when they aren't kind to me because that's how I was raised and that's the kind of woman I want to be. I have made hard decisions to do things and not to do things because I feel like I know the difference between right and wrong, given up things I wanted so desperately because I wanted to spare others hurt and pain and because it was important to me to do the right thing. And it KILLS ME that none of these things about me matter because regardless of what kind of person I am, here in this environment, I will always be reduced to just being known as that fat woman who has the cubicle by the window.

Here's some news to these women: I know what I look like. I know that if I lost a ton of weight tomorrow I still wouldn't meet your standards of beauty. I can't afford Cole Haan shoes. I don't have ANY boyfriend or husband, no less a wealthy one, and haven't for a very long time. My life is currently boiled down to working and taking care of my parents, which is also not a glamorous way to spend one's time, and has, in fact, been brutal. No one has rescued me from this situation, nor will they, and that's okay. Here's some other news: your assessment of me has not gone unnoticed by me, not that I think you care. And yes, it is still possible to hurt this grown woman's feelings. Because no matter how old you get, you never stop wishing you were the pretty girl. But tomorrow I will get up again and come in this building and try and do the best job I can and I will continue to try to be the best person I can be.

I don't even know if I will post this diatribe or not, or if I'll even keep it up on my sight if I do post it, but for the moment, I just needed to say it out loud. I'll get over it, I always do. Here's a promise of a less negative post tomorrow, my friends.

Daydreams and Far-Fetched Schemes

I have a big case of the winter blahs today, I have to say. I think part of it probably comes from just being constantly tired and the rest really is about the ugly grey, cold and inconvenient weather we get to experience here in C-Bus. I honestly do think that if it weren't for my family being here, I would have to move someplace that gets more sunlight and not so much winter and cold. I would hate leaving my friends, but hey, if I moved someplace fabulous they'd come to me!

Anyway, while I think most people spend their day letting their minds wander about sex, shopping or the untimely death of their supervisor, I spend my time daydreaming about spring, warm weather, perfect houses and contented spirits. In my daydreams, I live in a lovely home with a huge porch that's just perfect for a porch swing, where I will spend copious amounts of time swinging and reading. Then, I leave my porch to take a tour of my beautiful gardens, in which I will cut bouquets of flowers to put in vases next to my wonderful antique bed with the 600-count Egyptian cotton sheets, and where I will also harvest fresh vegetables to be used in the gourmet cooking I will do on my stainless steel 6-burner Viking professional-grade stove. ... Is there such a thing as house porn? If there is, I think I may have wandered there. Of course, this little oasis of contentment is fully paid for and maintenance free. And I, as it's sole owner, am clear-skinned, shiny haired and bear a striking resemblance to Kate Winslet....

Reality check - just checked the weather and it's 17 degrees with a windchill that makes it feel like it's 9 degrees. And I've got a zit forming on my chin. Sigh.......

Maiden Voyage

Well, this whole blog thing is very new for me and I'm not so delusional to think that anyone is going to care to read what I write on here, but I know I enjoy reading the blogs of my friend, "Winelover", and who knows, it may be just the sort of outlet I need to rid myself of all the little angsty moments I have all day long that currently sometimes require a bit of a pharmaceutical boost. I guess this is kind of the new age version of a diary, though I will not be one of the unwise folks who posts stuff out there that really, no one else should/needs to/WANTS TO see.

Anyhow, it's been an interesting day. I took time out of my work day to watch our new President, Mr. Obama, take the oath of office and I was honestly quite moved. I think the Obama's are a beautiful family - when you watch them interact with one another they just feel so solid. Normal (but so sweet) children, parents who seem to be each other's best friend. I felt hopeful watching him and listening to his speech. I pray that we actually CAN turn our country around and that we might somehow find ourselves in a place to actually reach out a hand to our neighbors in need (and they to us when we find ourselves in a tough spot). I am willing to do my part!

It is my sincere hope that I can find some interesting things to blog about here, lest I bore my reader to death. I'll have to try and come up with a more exciting life. In the meanwhile, I attach a picture of my beloved Kirby, whose fault it is that I was late for work this morning because he decided that he needed 20 minutes to sit in my lap and be petted. : )