I'm Over It

This will come as a total shock to those who know me well, but, um, I HATE WINTER. Hate it. H-to the-A-to the-T-to the-E it. I have no patience for those who say, "But it's so pretty to look at!" or "We love to ski!" or any of that nonsense. Winter is ugly and it is evil and it is designed to make things that are already unpleasant (like going to work) even worse. Winter is a tool of the devil. Don't let that whole, "Hell is hot" school of thought sway you...

So, it is in creepy-gross times such as these that I like to compile a little list that I like to call, "Places I'd Rather Be". Some are places I've actually been to before, most are places I only dream of going to (and so can be idealized as the perfect place to reside - who needs reality spoiling things?). I've decided, lucky and dear readers, to share my list with you so that you may more fully understand how my head and heart work and so that when you win the lottery, you will know exactly where to send me on a lavish getaway as a reward for my unwavering friendship and girlish charm. And away we go....

1. Santorini, Greece - Every year I buy a calendar for Santorini and I try my best to insert myself into it's photos of sunbleached steps past magenta bouganvillas. This is one of those places that's so beautiful it almost looks like a movie set or something. This is where I would consider having an illicit affair with some swarthy Greek young man I never saw again... Whoops, sorry, drifted away there for a moment. Anyway, I'm sure that if I was there and not here I would certainly tan instead of burn, my hair would not frizz due to humidity and where I would suddenly have the ability to swim and look cute as hell in a swimsuit while I was at it. How can a place that looks like that not be magic??

2. Prince Edward Island, Canada - Book nerds like myself will recognize this as the home of Anne of Green Gables. Once one has watched the PBS version of these books, oh, let's just guess and say 15,874 times, you can imagine how wonderful your life would be if you could just go and run the cliffs with your BFF, travel down White Way Delight with your own Gilbert Blythe and just generally breathe what looks to be some exceedingly wholesome air. If you send me there, I'll even let you call me "Carrots".

3. Rome. Do I really need to say anything else?

4. Provence, France and....

5. .....while I'm in the neighborhood, PARIS! -

My boss gets to go to Paris at least once a year for work. This kills me. Surely assistants need to

help out their bosses while they're traveling, yes? One of the places I want to go to so badly I can taste it (and I'm betting it tastes a lot like those pretty little macaroon cookies....).

This, of course, is just the tip of a list that is really about 500 places long and doesn't include places that I'm dying to go to but am too scared, like Egypt! Anyway, what a delightful time wasting respite this was from the dread and drear outside my window, looking out into the grey void that is Columbus. I was going to say "Calgon, Take me away!" but I'd rather have Clooney do it....

Z-Pack Fever

Hello - well, it's been a while since my last post and that would be the result of a week's worth of nasty illness. Last Monday, I woke up with a headache and as the day progressed, started feeling funkier and funkier. By the next morning, my head was so clogged, I couldn't breathe. Now, I don't get sick very often, so when I do, I do it badly but with much dramatic flair and noisy whining and moaning. Much running of the nose, much sinus pressure and an impressive amount of drainage that found me hurling so violently on Tuesday night that I burst all the blood vessels around my eyes and nose (a phenomenon my doctor, who thinks he's funny, likes to call 'blowing your face out'). I looked like someone had socked me in the face. Oh so pretty, yes? By the way, I have it on good authority from a Scottish friend that the euphamism the Scots like to use for vomitting is 'shouting for Huey'. Just a bit of trivia for you there, do with it what you will.

Anyway, while my body was being beaten by germs, outside the world was a blur of snow and ice, coming in the form of one of the more irritating and nasty storms we've had in a while. I was SO blessed not to lose power (how would I have watched all the "America's Next Top Model" marathons that were my soul source of comfort if I had no 'lectric?), but I was trapped in the house all the same.

Now, I am accustomed to being the one who takes care of other people. Generally, I like to do it and it has been a role that I have occupied for a long time. However, I found myself in a position this week where I had to ask for help from others and I found it hard to do the asking, frankly. I just know that everyone is so busy, the weather was terrible, I don't live close to anyone, the list goes on and on. And yet, every single person I asked for help came through for me. Marilyn took me to the doctor on Thursday with very little notice and despite having a work deadline that was coming up faster and faster. Melvin came and shoveled my driveway for more than TWO HOURS on Friday, cleaned off my car and warmed it up, salted my driveway and my walk and left me with a big box of ice melt. Probably not what he dreamed of doing on his day off, but yet, there he was, my knight in shining armor. Family members left care packages of things I needed, like prescriptions, kleenex, orange juice......

I can't begin to tell you what it means to find out that I have people I can depend on. When you're single, you sometimes find yourself in a position to need help from others and it can be so intimidating to ask. I mean, I always knew I could depend on everyone, from an intellectual standpoint, anyway, but somehow it was different to have it right there in the flesh - people who, by their actions, are saying to you, "You matter to me and I want good things for you". Here's hoping all those people know they have the same commitment from me!

Updates

Well, I decided to use today's space to do a bit of an update on my folks. People are so kind to check in about them and their well-being, so I thought this might be a good way to do it every once in a while.

Right before Christmas we were told that Mom probably had 4-6 weeks left. She had a staph infection that had gone septic and the iv antibiotics they gave her to heal the staph infection were shutting her kidneys down. Then over the last few weeks we started getting better reports on her bloodwork, her kidney function, etc. I asked for a new assessment and prognosis of her and it would seem that somehow, as of this moment, she seems to be free of the staph infection and her kidneys are functioning at near normal. They say that she's currently out of the woods. Of course, this is a mixed blessing - I love my mom and I don't ever want to lose her. But, the dieseases of Alzheimer's and Dementia are so cruel, I don't want to see her have to live like she's been living, in pain and anxious and frightened, for years and years. I finally decided that I just had to let God handle it, be grateful for the time I have with her and do the best I can to reconcile myself to what may be coming. The positive side is that they have been changing and tweaking her medicine again and she seems much calmer and more relaxed. I have been told that during the day she is talking to the people who work there, smiling, affectionate and cooperative, things I never thought she could be. By the time we get there in the evenings, she's so tired and her meds have caught up with her, so she doesn't have much to say and she does a lot of sleeping. She doesn't know me anymore, which in some ways is hard, but she seems to be bonding to the people who are there caring for her every day and I have been told that she has been loving to them, which makes me feel great. I want her to feel a connection with someone, to feel safe with them and to have people around her that she feels affection for.

My dad is having some health issues of his own and I spent Saturday in the ER with him. They couldn't find anything but did say that his symptoms did show that something was going on, so he's back to his regular doctor (who I cannot stand) today. We'll see what they tell us and how they direct him to proceed. If you can keep him in your prayers as well, I'd certainly appreciate it.

It's so incredibly hard to watch as your parents age and become frail. Growing up, our parents are Superman and Wonder Woman - there's nothing they can't do. It's so strange to get to the point when you realize that they're just human beings, just like you. I have no patience for people who won't help their parents (and at the nursing home, I see plenty of them). My parents gave me everything they had in an emotional, financial, physical, spiritual sense every day of my life and would continue to do so if they would be allowed to. No, we didn't always get along and there are issues I regret never discussing with my mother while I had the chance (hear me now - if you have unresolved issues with your parents, get them out in the open while everyone is well and still here and you're not in crisis mode. This opportunity will never present itself again). But even while I thought that she didn't always understand me and didn't always like me, I ALWAYS knew that she loved me and I know that she loves me still, even though my face is not one she recognizes as her daughter anymore. I am exhausted after the past two years but it's worth it not to have an ounce of regret whenI lay my head on my pillow at night when it comes to my parents. Get your ducks in a row while you can, friends.

On Second Thought.....

I quit watching "ER" a number of years ago. I thought it was too depressing and I just couldn't take it. The storylines seemed to be so contrived (how many times can a supposed "average" emergency room be blown up, hit by a helecopter, be taken hostage....?).

But here lately, I've been giving it a second thought. After all, it's ending this season, I hear the writing is excellent and far be it from me not to give something a second chance. There was another reason I was considering watching it again, but I can't exactly remember what it was.....

Barbie Land

So, I work in a fashion retail environment in a once-large, now smallish company. I'm an executive assistant and I really like the people I directly support and work for. They're a more arty kind of group and there are several folks who just let their freak flags fly, which I totally appreciate. My boss is awesome. Unfortunately, these folks make up about 1% of the total employees here. The other 99% are fairly young, fairly affluent and they worship at the altar of the gods of fashion and style. There is an element of privilege and snobbery in the air at all times.

Suffice it to say, I am not the most fashion-forward person in the world. I see things I like and appreciate and would wear if I was inhabiting a different body and a different salary bracket, but the reality is that neither of those things are true. And every day is like being back in high school, where you would walk the hallway and be "evaluated" by the Mean Girls who now have access to their husband's credit cards and who haven't eaten a carb since they were 14. Most days I can let it roll off my shoulders, but some days, like today, it brings home how difficult it is to be the ugly duckling in a sea of swans, which is a feeling I thought I would get to leave behind when I left school.

I believe myself to be a good person. I care about people, I try and be supportive and loving, positive and dependable. I am tender hearted and I would give you the unfashionable shirt off my ample back if you needed it (though these women would likely reject it, no matter what their level of need was). I think I'm intelligent and I like to learn about people, places and things. I try and be respectful and well spoken. I am kind to people even when they aren't kind to me because that's how I was raised and that's the kind of woman I want to be. I have made hard decisions to do things and not to do things because I feel like I know the difference between right and wrong, given up things I wanted so desperately because I wanted to spare others hurt and pain and because it was important to me to do the right thing. And it KILLS ME that none of these things about me matter because regardless of what kind of person I am, here in this environment, I will always be reduced to just being known as that fat woman who has the cubicle by the window.

Here's some news to these women: I know what I look like. I know that if I lost a ton of weight tomorrow I still wouldn't meet your standards of beauty. I can't afford Cole Haan shoes. I don't have ANY boyfriend or husband, no less a wealthy one, and haven't for a very long time. My life is currently boiled down to working and taking care of my parents, which is also not a glamorous way to spend one's time, and has, in fact, been brutal. No one has rescued me from this situation, nor will they, and that's okay. Here's some other news: your assessment of me has not gone unnoticed by me, not that I think you care. And yes, it is still possible to hurt this grown woman's feelings. Because no matter how old you get, you never stop wishing you were the pretty girl. But tomorrow I will get up again and come in this building and try and do the best job I can and I will continue to try to be the best person I can be.

I don't even know if I will post this diatribe or not, or if I'll even keep it up on my sight if I do post it, but for the moment, I just needed to say it out loud. I'll get over it, I always do. Here's a promise of a less negative post tomorrow, my friends.

Daydreams and Far-Fetched Schemes

I have a big case of the winter blahs today, I have to say. I think part of it probably comes from just being constantly tired and the rest really is about the ugly grey, cold and inconvenient weather we get to experience here in C-Bus. I honestly do think that if it weren't for my family being here, I would have to move someplace that gets more sunlight and not so much winter and cold. I would hate leaving my friends, but hey, if I moved someplace fabulous they'd come to me!

Anyway, while I think most people spend their day letting their minds wander about sex, shopping or the untimely death of their supervisor, I spend my time daydreaming about spring, warm weather, perfect houses and contented spirits. In my daydreams, I live in a lovely home with a huge porch that's just perfect for a porch swing, where I will spend copious amounts of time swinging and reading. Then, I leave my porch to take a tour of my beautiful gardens, in which I will cut bouquets of flowers to put in vases next to my wonderful antique bed with the 600-count Egyptian cotton sheets, and where I will also harvest fresh vegetables to be used in the gourmet cooking I will do on my stainless steel 6-burner Viking professional-grade stove. ... Is there such a thing as house porn? If there is, I think I may have wandered there. Of course, this little oasis of contentment is fully paid for and maintenance free. And I, as it's sole owner, am clear-skinned, shiny haired and bear a striking resemblance to Kate Winslet....

Reality check - just checked the weather and it's 17 degrees with a windchill that makes it feel like it's 9 degrees. And I've got a zit forming on my chin. Sigh.......

Maiden Voyage

Well, this whole blog thing is very new for me and I'm not so delusional to think that anyone is going to care to read what I write on here, but I know I enjoy reading the blogs of my friend, "Winelover", and who knows, it may be just the sort of outlet I need to rid myself of all the little angsty moments I have all day long that currently sometimes require a bit of a pharmaceutical boost. I guess this is kind of the new age version of a diary, though I will not be one of the unwise folks who posts stuff out there that really, no one else should/needs to/WANTS TO see.

Anyhow, it's been an interesting day. I took time out of my work day to watch our new President, Mr. Obama, take the oath of office and I was honestly quite moved. I think the Obama's are a beautiful family - when you watch them interact with one another they just feel so solid. Normal (but so sweet) children, parents who seem to be each other's best friend. I felt hopeful watching him and listening to his speech. I pray that we actually CAN turn our country around and that we might somehow find ourselves in a place to actually reach out a hand to our neighbors in need (and they to us when we find ourselves in a tough spot). I am willing to do my part!

It is my sincere hope that I can find some interesting things to blog about here, lest I bore my reader to death. I'll have to try and come up with a more exciting life. In the meanwhile, I attach a picture of my beloved Kirby, whose fault it is that I was late for work this morning because he decided that he needed 20 minutes to sit in my lap and be petted. : )